bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Farmville is her only friend.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize