Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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