i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
