my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
