Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
