Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
