this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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