My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
