Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
