He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
