just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize