So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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