I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
