I'm eating all of the evidence.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
