Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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