my phone needs a breathalizer
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
