3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
