Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
