There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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