Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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