This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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