so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
