i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
