when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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