So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
