i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
