I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We left an ass print on the piano.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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