why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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