stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
