Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
