Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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