I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
