Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize