Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
