my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
