i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
