You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
