We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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