I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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