Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
