smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
