Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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