I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize