There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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