Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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