3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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