Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
