how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
