I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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