I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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