My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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