I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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