He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
