You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
