And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
