I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
