We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
