I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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