I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize