if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
